Nightmare Induced Haze
2004-07-01 @ 2:13 p.m.

"Darkness creeps in like a theif

And offers no relief.

Why are you shaking like a leaf?

Come down, come talk to me."

-- Peter Gabriel "Come Talk to Me"

I can't seem to do anything right today. I'm just so flakey and distracted.

The last couple days have been weird. Daygan was all worried the other night about his mom. The doctors want her to have some tests on her ovaries. She may have ovarian cysts, which she interpreted as she may have cancer, which Daygan interprets as she has cancer. Oy.

At the same time as he was worrying over this I was having some severe cramps that have been getting more and more intrusive as time goes by. I was a little bit affronted that Daygan was so worried about his mom having some ovarian cysts and when I went in for testing for that he didn't seem to care.

But we talked... we worked it out... sort of. He says he tries not to show it when he's worried about me because he doesn't want to worry me.

I was offended at that too at first, and then realized I do the same with him. We suck.

But the kicker was last night. I had terrible nightmares last night. Maybe it was the full moon. It was just terrible... everything I could possibly dredge up in my head that scared me, or that I hated... some things pure flashback, some things extrapolations of real events, and some things the product of an overactive imagination (on which I totally agree with marn).

The thing is, I don't wake up from these anymore. I used to be a conscious dreamer. I used to be able to say in my head "ok, this is a nightmare. Wake up." and I would wake up.

Then, there was a period where I would think that to myself and NOT wake up, but dream I woke up and start a new dream. Then there was a period where the dream would just go into a loop cycle. Sometimes I'd wake up with a scream.

Now I don't wake up. I don't scream. I sometimes kick Daygan, unintentionally. I wish I did wake up with a scream. As it is, I just stay asleep... and once my brain gets into nightmare/ bad memory mode, EVERYTHING gets dredged up.

So I wake up, like I did this morning, totally depressed. When I think about it, I think that the depression I did feel for a short while back in college never really left... I've just developed new ways to deal with/ ignore bad feelings. But when my subconscious comes along and decides to "bitch slap" me, it's hard to ignore, I guess.

Maybe I havent' been brooding enough lately? maybe I've been too happy, too comfortable? I'm getting married. I have a nice house. I'm in love. I have a decent job. And frankly, I don't have time to brood over things years and years old now.

But I guess they never really left my mind.

Aw, poo! I just am out of it today. I'm looking forward to getting some sleep. It seems like that's the only cure for nightmare induced haze.

robin || goodfellow