The Kitty Test (stolen from the Parent Test)
2004-06-17 @ 6:53 p.m.

Must jump on bandwagon, except since I don't have kids, it's with cats:

1) The Mess Test: Buy a house. Wait for spring, or if you buy MY house, you don't have to wait til spring. Allow the bugs to die all over your carpeting. Attempt to clean one, and have a friend stare at you accusingly.

2) The Toy Test: Purchase a 5lb bag of glitter balls and another 5 lb bag of toy mice. Put them all under all the beds and behind the fridge, where they'll end up anyway. Ask a friend to stare at you mournfully.

3) The Grocery Store Test: Tie a leash onto a rabid wolverine (see dressing). Take the rabid wolverine to pet smart where there are other rabid wolverines. Allow wolverine to tear apart merchandise and other people's pets.

4) The Dressing Test: Take one of those slippy slidey worms that you used to have as a kid and try to put a leash around it. When it gets "loose" run after it as if your life depends on it.

5) The Feeding Test: Buy a $20 bag of cat food. Pour it all over your basement. Have a friend ask you constantly where the food is.

6) The Night Test: Arrange for a friend to break into your house and smash dishes and jump on the bed for a while at around 1 am. Be sure she also scratches at your door once the sun comes up until you crawl out of bed. When you open your door in the morning arrange for her to release a wild wolverine into your bedroom to hide under your bed. Spend the hour you should be showering catching the wolverine and eradicatiing it.

7) The Physical Test (Women): 9 lbs for a baby? That's nothing. Obtain an 18 pound bag of sand. Carry it around periodically. When not carrying it, place it in strategic spots, like doorways or in front of the fridge, or in the middle of the floor so you can trip on it.

8) The Physical Test: Buy a bag of litter and a litter box. Next buy manure. Next buy a whole bunch of itty bitty maggots. Mix. Every day, search through the manure to clean out the maggots. Periodically scoop some manure into a ziploc bag and take to the nearest vet. Try not to throw up.

9) The Car Test: Tape a woman giving birth. Drive around town playing the tape at full volume. This is what it's like to take cats to the vet.

robin || goodfellow