The War of the Roses
2004-06-20 @ 10:10 a.m.

Here we go again.

My bridal shower apparently is going to be the war of the roses.

Last night, I called my father to wish him happy father's day. He informed me that he would be joining Vonnie when she comes up for my bridal shower and asked if he could stay at my place. Aside from not being able to make it to mage, I know they have a 4 hour drive, and I figured why not. Yay. Everyone happy. I got off the phone and realized at that point that my mother had suggested staying after the shower to help me clean.

I figured it would be awkward to have just her and my stepmother, which now would be the scenario. But I also knew my mom was driving my aunt up and that I might as well just call her and tell her there's no need to stay and help me clean and it would be awkward.

Which I did. My mother FLIPPED out. Apparently she didn't know my stepmother was going to be at the shower, though I could swear (and so could Techdragon and Daygan) that I had told her this before. She absolutely flipped.

Why was I letting them stay at my house? I never let HER stay at my house...

Do I know how stressful this is going to be for her? Wait, before I answer, no I don't. I can't imagine so don't even try.

The thing is, I have tried to imagine quite a bit lately because whether or not there's a screaming fight at my wedding happens to be relevent to me. And the thought that keeps coming up was that this whole atrocity was 16 years ago.

And I know it still hurts but it's my wedding for god's sake and we're talking about something that happened 16 years ago. And maybe I can't imagine but I know in my life that I've put aside enmity and great hurts... not just necessarily for other people I love but a lot of times for myself. For a healthier worldview perhaps.

But my mom is driving me nuts because though I love her, she wants to play the professional victim and she will go to any length to have recognized that she was hurt a long long long time ago. Any length including destroying any of those rites of passage for me like bridal shower or wedding, if provoked.

She says I can't imagine how stressed out she'll be with my stepmom all in her face all day.

What? My stepmom is probably going to be hiding in a corner! I really can't imagine her to be the type of person to "taunt" my mother, which only makes me wonder what my mother will take the opportunity to interpret as provocation so that everyone can know whose the bitch in the room and (not that it matters) destroy my shower.

And can't imagine how stressed out she'll be? She laid all her emotions on me. I know we're close but jesus christ, this is my time and I've been patient through 16 years of intermittant battles and if it were me, I think I would understand that for my daughter and attempt, though it's hard, to put this aside. Or at least not forewarn my daugther that "well, if something happens it's not my fault".

So here we are. Me dreading my own bridal shower and furious at my mother for carrying this grudge and making it more of an issue than it has to be (and putting the burden of the issue on my shoulders rather than carrying it herself).

Most people know when to put the past aside. I hope she learns how to do that before I walk down the aisle. It hurts me to think that those moments for me that I only get once in a lifetime are nothing to her compared to a few harsh words with someone who hurt her 16 years ago. It really just hurts.

robin || goodfellow