Wish Me Luck
2004-06-19 @ 6:50 p.m.

I have a million things that I would like to do and no time to do them. I would like to take a bath. I would like to sit down and read one of the three books that I have that seem very interesting but I never have time to read. I would like to watch an old but good movie. I would like to play sims.

I know these are all really stupid little things, but all the same time for me is important for my sanity and my sanity seems to be ailing lately.

I had a pretty busy day today. We went to church which is always an interesting thing for me because I consider myself a pagan. It's not just that I'm not christian, I really feel "pagan"... you know what I mean? Like I'm frightened by all these voices just invoking words that they've invoked forever and not really feeling it. The whole communion rite is just kind of eery to me. From what I can tell by the two times I've been to church in the past year is that early on some stuff is brought in which the priest walks around the table. Table! D'oh! Altar. Then the people say something pretty standard... some rote prayer. Then the priest sings a little chant. Then the people sing "christ is risen christ is risen christ is risen christ is risen". Then the priest talks for a few minutes. Then everyone kneels. Then the priest blesses the bread and bows to it and does the same with the wine and everyone rises. Then the people sing "amen amen amen amen". It's such a ritual. I'm not against ritual per se it's just that people don't even seem to feel it anymore. I feel more holy in my garden in the presence of abundant and miraculous nature.

My favorite part of catholic mass is the homily. That's where the priest speaks relevant american english to the people to help them understand why lessons in the bible are still relevant today. The homily takes about 5 minutes. The rest of a half hour mass is just invoking words by rote. I feel like the homily should be the focus. (shrug) But I'm not catholic so I really wouldn't tell them what to do.

It's just that for me church does very little. But I was thinking during mass about how I used to feel spiritual. In college, and especially at times on East Johnson, I felt like I was really finding myself. Of course I also went through a thing where I thought I was losing myself but really I was just shedding other people's expectations of me. I burned incense and took long walks at sunset. I spent a lot of time in meaningful conversations with friends and even more time thinking. And ever since then life has picked up pace and it's so hard to find my spiritual self again. My garden helps immensely. Just looking at it I'm reassured that the world is good. But I don't have a heck of a lot of time to just look at it either.

Life is busy lately. Hopefully, in three months, things will slow down. I spent much of today cleaning. It doesn't help spirituality that once I get started cleaning it's terribly hard to stop me. I feel sometimes like I'm close to obsessive compulsive. The floor MUST be vacuumed. Heck, I even thought I was done cleaning earlier and sat down at my computer desk when I noticed a scuffmark on the wall and it drove me freaking mad until I got back up and started cleaning again, eradicating the scuffmark as only part of the cleaning I then did.

I know.

I know.

I have to stop. I have to find time to think real thoughts again. I've felt so phony lately. I'm going to try. Now is a terrible time to start. But I think I better start.

Wish me luck.

robin || goodfellow